Isn't It Ironic...
Warning: this blog post lacks glitter, rainbows and unicorns. It does however contain traces of sarcasm, adult references amd mood swings. Remember, you've been warned.
I guess we have all been there, done that, have the shirt to prove it. We made mistakes we still regret, made promises we never intended to keep, and never apologised when things went wrong. Yet, at other times, we said we were sorry, even though nothing was our fault. Still, it was easier this way. Maybe we wanted to avoid an argument, or simply grew tired of explaining something that was so out of our hand it hurt. Nobody would understand it anyway, right?
Sometimes we got everything we ever wanted, only to realise we didn't need it in the first place. Then there were other times when we wanted something (or someone) so bad it took our breath away. We wished and wished and cried and hoped and wished and cried and hoped some more, yet nothing happened. We ended up going through all the stages of loss, without having that special thing to begin with.
What was common in all these situations, you wonder? Well, we eventually moved on. And survived. Even better, we learnt how to live again. Gosh, we might even have smiled and laughed and giggled at all the silly stuff that made sense to us before. But you know what else was common? The fact that there was always going to be a 'before' and an 'after'. Because these moments change us, challenge us to remember them, while we try so desperately to forget. They creep up on us at the most unexpected (and inappropriate) moments. Quite ironic, if you ask me.
Why Are You Happy?
As I said, this post isn't going to be pretty. But then again, life isn't always a joyride. Sometimes you need someone to tell you it's okay to feel down, even if you don't have a particular reason for it. And you shouldn't need a reason to feel a certain way. That should be your birth right, as natural as breathing. But in reality, that's not always the case unfortunately. Nowadays, people ask 'why' all the time. Not because they care, and this is the saddest part. They simply want to judge. Why have you slept with that person? Why did you shout at your kid? Why did you leave early from work? Why are you happy?
Yes, that's the worst question I've ever been asked. As if people who were happy (or sad for that matter) were crazy, out of place. As if people needed to explain themselves. As if they needed to justify their feelings, emotions and actions all the time. What happened to going with the flow? Everyone minding their own business?
If you know me, you know that I don't judge people. I truly don't. And that's why it makes me furious when I see people judge others based on their hair colour, choice in clothing or the way they wear their jeans. I mean, seriously? In a world where everyone is supposed to be equal, we are still tied down by these (sadly) common ideas that things should be a certain way.
People tell you that you should mourn the loss of a loved one, but after a certain period of time, they chastise you for not moving on. They are so quick to tell you to leave your partner after an argument, yet they have been single their whole life, constantly complaining how lonely they are. I used to care about what people thought. God, I even cried over it, because I didn't feel like I fitted in. I never wanted the same things as my 'friends', and I wasn't interested in all the gossip and drama. I felt like something was wrong with me, not the other way round.
And then I started writing. I found solace in my books, and for some time, I thought I didn't need anyone's approval. And you know why? Because, finally I realised that the only opinion that truly mattered had changed. Yep, as much as I kept telling everyone that I didn't judge them, I did judge someone. Someone really special to me. I judged me.
The Real Power
Writing erotic stories slowly stripped me of my prejudice towards myself. It taught me how to be strong, but also, how to let go. Things went wrong many times since, but I knew I could always get up sooner or later. I think I learnt the most important thing. As long as I accept the way I am, it doesn't matter what anyone else wants me to feel. Because it's my life, and I have to make my own decisions. And of course, this means I take full responsibility for my actions and bear the consequences.
Don't get me wrong, I still say sorry for things I haven't done, and I still make promises I know I won't keep. I make hundreds of mistakes, I love with a passion I can't control, and I mostly fall for people I shouldn't care about. Nothing changed in that department. I'm still human. It's the way I look at it that's altered. I still hit the ground, but I know I will get up. Because I realised that I matter to myself. Yes, I think I finally love myself. All of me, every part. Even my demons, my scars and my insecurities. They make me me. I don't judge myself anymore, and I don't justify my feelings. I try to live in the here and now.
To My Future Self
I'm not sure who needs to read this right now. Maybe I do, or I will somewhere in the future. So, to everyone out there, who's struggling with what others think (and to my future self): All you have to worry about is to be happy right this moment. That's it. Take one step at a time, and keep going. When things aren't going your way, that's why. And when things are going your way, that's why. You never know what tomorrow brings. And, even if others judge you, remember this: they probably judge themselves, too. Don't help them by judging yourself. Be your own best friend.