Shall I, Shall I Not?
We all remember our first. Whether it is the first kiss we are talking about, or the very first time we went to a pub. That awkward nervousness, the fear of the unknown, mixed with a sense of excitement and pride that you are finally going to do it. No more excuses, no more delaying the inevitable. In a few minutes' time, you are going to be one experience richer.
But as we all know, first times are rarely great. You have no idea what you are doing, and you might feel like the whole world is watching you intently, waiting for you to screw up. And you do. The whole experience sucks, but not because of what you fear comes true. Rather because you are so focused on your idea of what others might think, that you easily forget the fact that nobody cares. They are there, too, in the same boat. And even if it isn't their first time, they can feel just as nervous.
The Set Boundaries
It doesn't make the feeling of dread go away though. Especially when you are doing something naughty for the first time. Like going into a sex shop. Yep, that's right, I still remember that day as if it happened yesterday. Well, actually it only happened a few years ago. You might remember when I told you that I come from a conservative family, so owning a sex toy (or even thinking about owning one) was never an option.
Oh, don't take me wrong, I did explore my sexuality, but I never really felt the need to explore the elusive world of toys and kinkiness. I simply convinced myself that I didn't need what every other woman needed: a toy with a long-life battery. I think I don't have to tell you how wrong I was. But alas, I only discovered it after I decided to set aside my pride and walk into a sex shop.
Okay, deciding it might be a funny way of putting it. Interesting enough, I don't remember how the conversation started with my then best friend, but we somehow started to talk about sex, and everything that comes with it. Or, in my case, everything that didn't come with it: vibrators. I blushed even when she said the word out loud, and when she saw my reaction, she gasped, grabbed my arm and off we went to the nearest store.
The Elite Club & The Awkward Entrance
Probably the best thing was that I didn't have too much time to prepare. But if I'm totally honest, the most alluring part of it was the fact that I was going to get what I really wanted, without having to own up to my decision. Because, it might have been my friend who nearly got a heart attack when she learned that I didn't own a single fake shaft in my bedside drawer, I had known it for a long time that my reaction was the same. Enough was enough, and I needed to get one of those magic wands. I wanted to join the elite club.
But how I got there didn't matter that moment. Nothing else mattered, but the fact that I was standing in the middle of the aisle, looking at all the different shapes, sizes, colors and materials, as ashamed and as confused as ever. Of course, my friend rushed to the rescue, which only made me feel more uncomfortable. And, as it turned out, her recommended toy was way too big for me, and I ended up wasting my money on something I didn't need, instead of getting what I actually wanted.
You might ask at this point, why didn't I simply say no and get another sex toy, one that would have suited my needs. Yes, I could have done that, but I was petrified. I let my fear of that 'awkward first time' guide me, instead of my natural instincts. If I had to do it again (the first time I mean), it would go something like this: I would walk around, carefully examining the wide (wild?) range and cherry-pick. I would imagine how it would feel when I was actually using the item, instead of wondering whether the salesperson was looking at me in a weird way, laughing inside at my awkwardness.
Okay, who am I kidding? If it was my first time again, there's no way I would have done anything differently. Sometimes first times are just that, an awkward experience from which you learn and then move on. Nobody was born an expert, right? And I sure as hell moved on from my first visit to a sex shop. Gosh, I write erotica, don't I? So, it's only natural that I know my trade. But then again, buying my second, or even the third plastic boyfriend didn't even come close to being as memorable as the first one.
A Reminder Of What Was
And A Promise Of What Could Be
As awkward as it may have been, it was special. Because it started something. It sent me on a road of discovery, pleasure and understanding. I'm not saying that by buying a few sex toys I now know how the whole world works. No. But at least I know how I work, and I also now how those toys work for me. And they all work goddamn well. Fine, not that first one, but I have kept it regardless. It is my novelty toy, if you like, a reminder of the timid and awkward girl I used to be. I say hi to her sometimes, I reminisce about those times. But losing her was actually a gain. If I hadn't bought that toy, I probably wouldn't write steamy erotica today. But what's probably even more important, I wouldn't be aware of my own sexuality.
So, thank you my Raving Rabbit, you've been a true friend, even if I don't use you for your original purpose that often...